Anyway, I digress...
My heart is heavy for many reasons but in particular I'm grieved over a relationship. When you love someone enough to put up with his/her bullshit it really tugs at your heartstrings. Throw in years of being in each other's lives and you've got yourself a complex, beautiful mess. You see I have a breaking point. Every human does, that's part of the reason why we're human. I'm coming to realize that I no longer want to tolerate the maltreatment, and sometimes there's no treatment at all. Just a dark, silent void that eats away at our connection. I think this is the worst of it all, more than words, more than broken promises. When you don't do anything, when the interactions have gone stale and life seems to vanish that's where it all goes to hell. Now before you start to think I'm some gothic writer, trust me when I say I'm just completely submerged in the mood right now with incredible music. It helps the creative energy flow and diminishes writer's bloc. I have a friend that is a combination of arrogance, denial, and fear. While there is much love for me to give, it's not always reciprocated and now all of the sudden I'm developing a sense of frustration. The pattern in our relationship was always distanced at best. Held to an arm's length away and illustrating the awkward junior high school dances. This never bothered me beforehand because I was different, my perception naive. After some time I learned to grow fond of it and understood my friend's personality type warranted such a separation, that is until I realized how people insecurely operate. Once I understood the severity in condoning someone to further perpetuate relational pain I wanted to call out my friend on the behavioral crap. Sure my advice and words are heard but never heeded. It's frustrating, desiring to help someone who wants nothing to do with your guidance.
Now here's the rub...
I can't say no or walk away from this person in spite of how shitty things get. Every fiber of my being says to get out and turn the opposite direction going 120 mph, but the alternate side says to persist with unrelenting love all while expecting nothing in return. I'm pretty sure that right now I'm experiencing the human condition of pain and how this manifests itself in relationships. If you're not careful, you can grow numb after awhile losing all sense of touch accepting things for what they are and not for what they could be. I've come to terms with letting go of people in my life, I've done it before and I'll do it again I'm sure. Yet with this friend, I just can't deny the richness of our history together. It's like destroying your painting after several sessions of working on it, who could do such a thing? All of that time, all of that investment... wasted.
I guess the purpose of this post is to say without saying that I'm angry and that I'm not giving in. I'm hurt with the dynamic of our friendship though I'm willing to endure for however much longer. Call me crazy, but it's an out of body experience when you accept the unacceptable - when you nourish the malnourished. If you're wondering why I don't just directly confront my friend about these sentiments, think again. I've been there done that. This is purely for my own benefit and for your reading pleasure of course. :)
It's nearly 2 AM on a Monday morning and I must get some sleep. Please excuse my grammar errors. Now to finish this last thought... In all my years of knowing this person never have I gained much from the other end. And that's okay. Despite the frustrations and the overwhelming desire to say 'no more' and 'you're a douche,' I'm compressed with the other side of incessant support that projects itself onto those in deep need. It's a mind-boggling pardox, why should I love someone who takes me for granted? Simple, because the same story was written for me with Christ as the author.
G'night.
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