Sorry blog, I seem to be neglecting you more and more. Honestly, whenever I feel inclined to write something, nothing flows naturally onto the keyboard. But of course, whenever I'm nowhere near a computer, I have all the right words to say. Oh irony. Whatevs, blogging does present its therapy.
I don't know if anyone really reads my posts anymore. Eff it.
This past month of my life has been mega bittersweet and surreal. I've fallen into some very dark places, both willingly and involuntarily. My faith in Christ is constantly strengthened by these moments. He has sprinkled me with His blood, God is faithful to forgive. I've also realized during this time that I'm obsessed with men. Like really, it's potentially a problem. If it's no one in particular that's occupying brain waves, it's the concept of a boyfriend, or a husband. I know there are men out there who are just as obsessed with women as I am with men. It's kinda crazy how much time we spend thinking about someone.
I can literally feel the internal war waged between flesh and spirit. It is a very real, very creepy feeling. Moments of apathy coupled with moral reserve and conviction collide head on. You are definitely torn apart. My flesh rebels lusting after some shallow, destructive desire while my spirit clings on to that lingering conviction of holiness. I thank the Lord for His Holy Spirit, without Him I'd certainly perish with emptiness in the wake of sin.
I've repented again, and again. Just call me the prodigal daughter. And while I know God has forgotten all of my past failures, I must remember their purpose and placement in His perfect will for me. Who would have thought that our deepest, most heart-wrenching injuries bring about beauty as they serve us as constant reminders to keep pressing forward with fortification.
I love you Jesus.
3 comments:
word :) i still read yours and i neglect my blog alot :(
i read your blogs! during what you are going through know that God will always present a way for you to "climb up underneath it" or in other words present a way of understanding and Godliness. there was a point for me about 2 years ago where i was obsessed. i got a book, "Dating with Pure Passion" and seriously changed my obsession to no desire. i mean, one day i desire to find that one man whom i will call my husband, but for now i don't need to have that obsession. right now the book is circling through a couple of people, but as soon as they are done reading it you are more and welcome to borrow it. i would love to have coffee with you. i miss you. 1st ap's for life!
<3 Dior
I still read too and if I had more time myself, I might comment more often.
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