back to basics

Please

2011-08-23T23:20:00.001-07:00

More music. Less socially constructed 'scene' barriers.

SF

2011-08-16T15:46:00.000-07:00

I miss my home away from home. Both family and friends.

Thoughts

2011-07-28T12:13:00.000-07:00

How the hell does someone stop thinking about someone else successfully? I'd like to know the secret because I'm tired of these senseless brainwaves.

Slander, Love, and Insecurity

2011-07-12T23:45:00.000-07:00

Words can mean everything and nothing all in the same moment. I guess it truly depends on who is speaking and who is listening. What we say tends to affect people and sometimes it can be rather profound. I suppose the worst feeling is knowing your words fall on deaf ears, but then again if your words are nothing but emptiness, that's a bad feeling too.

I'm growing more and more cautious with my words around certain individuals. Once spoken, you can never take them back. All you can do is backpedal while trying to make up for whatever hurt you've caused. For the people who speak their mind it's both refreshing and exhausting given the circumstances. Sometimes a filter keeps the word vomit from spewing everywhere and unfortunately not everybody understands when to turn on said filter.

Things Are Good

2011-05-25T12:27:00.000-07:00

A man is most attractive when he is emotionally vulnerable with a woman. On the reversal, a woman is most attractive when she embraces and affirms said vulnerability with a man. I recently discovered this powerful epiphany.

Honesty trumps artificiality, always.

Poetic

2011-05-17T00:10:00.001-07:00

I think it's time I start writing again...

Pickle

2011-05-14T11:04:00.000-07:00

I seemed to have managed my way into one giant pickle. Ugh. My guitar class requires concert reports and of course some proof of attendance is required. Well the LAST available concert is one I can't go to, I have one report taken care of and the other is laughing at me and my inflexible schedule.

Also, I'm in another pickle although this is completely unrelated. I seem to be starting a trend here. This predicament involves feelings and we all know things can get pretty serious when feelings are involved.

Music

2011-05-08T22:15:00.000-07:00

I love introducing friends to new musicians. It's like trying new ice cream flavors. You may or may not be super amped about it, but you'll definitely appreciate the gesture, and WHO DOESN'T LIKE ICE CREAM?! Bahaha, perhaps lactose intolerant folk.

:(

2011-05-06T20:05:00.000-07:00

My head is pounding and has been since 11 AM this morning. Ugh. I've already taken Tylenol, twice and still nothing. It's like I just finished head banging at a Metallica concert. Intense throbbing, localized pain.

What a Friday night. All I know is tomorrow be better since it's my birthday. 'Nuff said.

Intensity

2011-05-05T23:52:00.000-07:00

Lately my mind has been running a million miles a minute. So much to think about. Yet not enough time. It's funny, even while being out of school and unemployed I still struggle to find the right time. Guess it gets the best of us. Huh?

Note to Self:

2011-05-05T12:09:00.001-07:00

If a guy decides an unwholesome girl is preferential then so be it. Let him mindlessly pursue emptiness and unquenchable thirst.

(F)unemployment

2011-05-04T00:44:00.000-07:00

It has made me both very lazy and motivated all in the same moment. What the hell? I relish sleeping in till 11 AM and I also love getting a head start on my day. It's a weird season I'm encountering. I think everything started getting weird nearly three years ago. But the definite shift took place after college graduation. I'm an SDSU alumni for almost a year. No job utilizing my background but a number of prospects on the rise. Working full time right away was both a big mistake and a reward. Had I not starting this 'adult life' path who knows what I would be doing. I tell you one thing, I sure know what I want in life. Boy has that changed since 2006. Retrospectively things look almost surreal.

Heavy Heart

2011-05-02T02:10:00.000-07:00

It's really weird getting back into the swing of blogging again. I'm trying to stick with it and garnish the therapeutic properties it possesses. Like right now for instance: I'm tired though unwilling to sleep, mildly annoyed, and anxious. At least Explosions in the Sky is playing right at this very moment. I'm listening to 'Your Hand In Mine,' arguably the band's most cherished track. Instrumental/experimental music was always my default for moments like these.

Anyway, I digress...

My heart is heavy for many reasons but in particular I'm grieved over a relationship. When you love someone enough to put up with his/her bullshit it really tugs at your heartstrings. Throw in years of being in each other's lives and you've got yourself a complex, beautiful mess. You see I have a breaking point. Every human does, that's part of the reason why we're human. I'm coming to realize that I no longer want to tolerate the maltreatment, and sometimes there's no treatment at all. Just a dark, silent void that eats away at our connection. I think this is the worst of it all, more than words, more than broken promises. When you don't do anything, when the interactions have gone stale and life seems to vanish that's where it all goes to hell. Now before you start to think I'm some gothic writer, trust me when I say I'm just completely submerged in the mood right now with incredible music. It helps the creative energy flow and diminishes writer's bloc. I have a friend that is a combination of arrogance, denial, and fear. While there is much love for me to give, it's not always reciprocated and now all of the sudden I'm developing a sense of frustration. The pattern in our relationship was always distanced at best. Held to an arm's length away and illustrating the awkward junior high school dances. This never bothered me beforehand because I was different, my perception naive. After some time I learned to grow fond of it and understood my friend's personality type warranted such a separation, that is until I realized how people insecurely operate. Once I understood the severity in condoning someone to further perpetuate relational pain I wanted to call out my friend on the behavioral crap. Sure my advice and words are heard but never heeded. It's frustrating, desiring to help someone who wants nothing to do with your guidance.

Now here's the rub...

I can't say no or walk away from this person in spite of how shitty things get. Every fiber of my being says to get out and turn the opposite direction going 120 mph, but the alternate side says to persist with unrelenting love all while expecting nothing in return. I'm pretty sure that right now I'm experiencing the human condition of pain and how this manifests itself in relationships. If you're not careful, you can grow numb after awhile losing all sense of touch accepting things for what they are and not for what they could be. I've come to terms with letting go of people in my life, I've done it before and I'll do it again I'm sure. Yet with this friend, I just can't deny the richness of our history together. It's like destroying your painting after several sessions of working on it, who could do such a thing? All of that time, all of that investment... wasted.

I guess the purpose of this post is to say without saying that I'm angry and that I'm not giving in. I'm hurt with the dynamic of our friendship though I'm willing to endure for however much longer. Call me crazy, but it's an out of body experience when you accept the unacceptable - when you nourish the malnourished. If you're wondering why I don't just directly confront my friend about these sentiments, think again. I've been there done that. This is purely for my own benefit and for your reading pleasure of course. :)

It's nearly 2 AM on a Monday morning and I must get some sleep. Please excuse my grammar errors. Now to finish this last thought... In all my years of knowing this person never have I gained much from the other end. And that's okay. Despite the frustrations and the overwhelming desire to say 'no more' and 'you're a douche,' I'm compressed with the other side of incessant support that projects itself onto those in deep need. It's a mind-boggling pardox, why should I love someone who takes me for granted? Simple, because the same story was written for me with Christ as the author.

G'night.

News Flash

2011-04-17T23:14:00.000-07:00

I suck super hard at blogging, well I wasn't always like this . My life is boring. My friends are occasionally flaky. My car broke down. My car needs further repair. My trip to Disneyland was foiled due to said car repairs since the last entry. My desire to put myself out there as a woman for men to find is slowly dwindling. My hair is red again. My guitar is getting new strings. My future is unclear though promising. My revised plan to diet and exercise is in full effect. My tolerance for fake people is zero. My unemployment checks are made possible by your payroll tax dollars. My need for a job will only be fulfilled if it is utilizing my educational background. My country has made me another statistic regarding degrees and joblessness. My favorite wine is chardonnay. My time use could be a bit more efficient. My alarm clock hates me because I incessantly press the snooze button. My vocal style is similar to Michelle Branch. My ideal honeymoon destination would be Japan or the UK. My consistent friends of nearly a decade are Sarah Leslie and Nicholas Johnson, however the adult life with conflicting schedules and distancing makes me crestfallen because I can't spend time with them as often as I'd like to. My capacity for loving others comes from Jesus. My most random pet peeve is a chipped manicure/pedicure. My family is large and originates from both Italy and France. My current canvas count is two. My experience as a make up artist is substantial. My least welcomed creepy crawlies are centipedes. My hair cuts are usually 80's-esque. My attempts at becoming a morning person have taken almost 23 years. My coffee needs to be sweet yet strong. My latest career development includes art education in the high school setting. My eyes are green. And my life could go on further with other descriptions...

There, update made. You're welcome all six of you followers. Yep.

Ebb and Flow

2011-02-08T22:55:00.000-08:00

A lot can happen in six months and I definitely endured some crazy stuff. I'll have to upload in a day or two when I'm metally prepared and have adequate time for writing fury. Weird, reading my last entries literally gives me a snapshot in time, so many changes.

Disneyland tomorrow. Going for the first time in NINE years, no big deal.

Refusal

2010-09-02T20:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, the hardest thing is telling someone, no.

And I think what hurts more is the withdrawn, delayed response. Two casualties get involved, one just so happens to be a prolonged injury.

Tangent

2010-08-15T22:04:00.000-07:00

I bought a hand-crafted, organic journal from India. I also bought a poetry book in order to collect my thoughts. Sometimes there aren't enough human words to possibly convey what I feel. On the contrary, sometimes there are too many words to coherently formulate a sentence.

Expect some random musings, ramblings, thoughts, etc. I intend to keep things real, and what's more real than reality itself? It might be my realness, but that's all I've got.

Wowzah!

2010-08-15T21:39:00.000-07:00

So I definitely don't blog enough, or I'm just too busy/unmotivated to blog sometimes. Working full time is really draining and I hate it. Physical exhaustion is rough, but mental exhaustion is something else, something unbearable at times. I'll just grit my teeth, thank the Lord for this job, and adjust to a 40 hour work week immediately. I'm getting used to it, slowly but surely. What really bums me out though is the jam packed weekends. Life sorta folds on itself. It's a balance I'm learning and juggling isn't exactly my forte. I'll have to reschedule with friends or collide plans with another and at the end of the day all I can say is "Now Brittany, you control your planner so don't overwhelm yourself!" I guess you could say that has been my consistent struggle over the years. I'm always one to remain out of the house (though solitude is afforded on occasion) and for whatever reason I can't say "no" to people or I have a hard time grasping proper time management, socially. Yesterday for example was absolutely ridiculous. While I would say it was mega pleasant/enjoyable, I endured the following:

Wake up, 6:30 AM
Work shift, 8 AM - 12 PM
Hang out sesh with friend number 1, 12:30 - 3 PM
Brief house clean up, 3:30 PM - 4 PM
Hang out sesh with friend number 2, 4:15 PM - 5:20 PM
Hang out sesh with friend numero tres, 5:45 PM - 7:30 PM
Hang out sesh with friend number FOUR!, 7:55 PM - 10:20 PM
Final bed time, 11:35 PM

Either I'm kinda a big deal and super popular, or I'm retarded and crazy all in the same moment. WHO DOES THIS?! I need some serious downsizing to do. If my weekends are my days of relaxation, then cramming too much social life into a schedule is not how to take a load off. Anyway, that being said...

G'night.

Emerging Out of Caves

2010-06-21T00:01:00.000-07:00

So here's the thing. As of my April post there's much to be said in terms of an update, however I'm gonna spare you the insignificant details and dwell largely on some highlights. Just to forewarn, preface, etc. my writing might get a little scattered and of course you can count on a tangent or two. This is the beauty of blogging and why I love it so much, no need for grammatical formalities or structured organization, just a woman and her thoughts unfolding before the keyboard.

April was a hellish month for me. Graduating was rounding the corner and like any other college senior, final term papers/projects/tests riddled my mind. Of course, my entire academic life was pretty much a procrastinator's effort, although you can bet my ass was busted in an effort to perform remarkably pulling A's and high scores. You would think all of this school induced stress would keep me at bay from more schooling aka a master's degree but rather my heart was set on another two years and San Francisco State was where I yearned to be. A heavy dose of reality would eventually find me. The day I received my rejection letter was the day I felt a mixture of apathy, disappointment, and relief among other emotions. I would never have guessed that this piece of mail would deliver something so unexpected emotionally. My plans were literally foiled. What was I to do? Reapply next year? Retake the GRE (which mind you was three hours of test taking torture)? I honestly had no answer and within the next weeks to follow I would be completely okay with it. The more I focused on my future, the more liberated I became. Throw graduate school out the window and behold: continued residence in San Diego, not so bad I suppose. A shift in priorities and my employment was truly a concern.

Five plus years of hospitality and customer service is enough time to make anyone crave a cubicle. Ironically this is my new found job opportunity. Working as an online enrollment advisor of all positions. While I can't say my degree is in full effect providing employment, it has however, paid off monetarily. A fresh body out of college seems promising with a hot degree in hand and my salary shows for it. I'm not too worried about using my degree in later years. For now I'm organizing a weekly art show and volunteering hours at my school's downtown gallery, things could be worse when viewed optimistically. Speaking of my job, my coworkers specifically my fellow trainees were the most randomized group of individuals. From tool belts to shy girls, every one seemed to get along surprisingly well. Too bad the only guy I was remotely attracted to turned out to be such a field player, not to mention arrogant. What a waste of artistic energy! Oh well, it's no skin off my nose, a girl doesn't have to get crushed in order to see a guy's packing a sledge hammer.

Moving on...

Lately I find myself super intolerant of people's lip service, especially whenever it comes from a friend. Lying or concealing things from me will only make you look less meaningful and insincere. Perhaps I'm an old soul who's growing weary of the juveniles? I'm not entirely sure, but it's irritating whatever it is and if you could care less then that makes two of us. On a positive note, I'll be financially ready to move out in less than nine months. By then my savings will be solid and completely reliable. The rejoicing has commenced.

Stay Tuned

2010-06-20T11:52:00.000-07:00

I haven't forgotten about this blog, nor have I forgotten about the two people that read this blog. A lot has happened since April (I can't believe it's been that long) but currently I'm on my way out the door, headed for some lunch and ready to consume Italian cuisine.

Until next time...

School

2010-04-19T09:18:00.000-07:00

My collegiate career at SDSU is finally coming to a close... only five more weeks till graduation.

Um, PRAISE THE LIVING GOD!

Check It

2010-03-10T11:11:00.000-08:00

This may have been confusing last post, so I'll bring it to your attention again. Sorry, guys.

http://amoderndaypsalmist.blogspot.com/

Check out my latest creation, the poet's pen (or keyboard?) has resurfaced!

Ah!

2010-03-07T18:52:00.000-08:00

God is unfathomably good! I will say it again, God is unfathombly good! I don't deserve such loyalty and love, yet He provides faithfully. No other timing is perfect enough to deliver, only at the hands of the mighty Lord.

Ah! It's moments like these that reclaim the heart's weariness.

Something New

2010-02-24T07:39:00.000-08:00

New endeavor. Same devotional expression. Check it out.

Please, :]

Neglect

2010-02-10T08:10:00.001-08:00

Sorry for neglecting you, that is my faithful readers and of course my buddy blog. My last update was over a month ago so I think it's a good time for another.

Where I had left off on my bloggin excursion was just before Christmas. It was as always, a blessed holiday full of joy and the utmost love. Then came the New Year (where does the time go?!) and just like the year before I thought, "Man time flies and I can't wait to get a new start." But it's true, 2009 was probably one of my worst years to date with probably the worst people who made said year awful. I know I'm not alone in this regard of sentiment. Anyway, on to more exciting things...

So I made myself a quick, yet pleasant trip up to San Francisco and the Bay Area. Aside from the obvious of visiting family, I personally hand-delivered my grad school application. It was an unreal experience, like I knew I belonged on this campus and that ultimately God would not only meet my heart's desires, but He'd provide for my future. Although I didn't get the opportunity to informally interview or at least talk with somone, at the very most God would be representing me! Boarding my flight home leaving family, a close friend (shout out to a-big!), and the gorgeous city, I already missed everything. My precious grandma spent time with me commuting to the campus and parousing around the city and whatnot, she even subconciously gave my a BART ticket, which at the time I woudn't need any further use, however, she believed (as did I) that it was a sign from the heart for my upcoming return. I WILL GET INTO SFSU! My faith and trust in God has been more so apparent with each day. I've always surrendered my all to Him, although now that my future is fully visualized, I can confidently claim his biblical promises, especially that of Jer. 29:11.

Moving on...

School has finally started. 19 units later I've successfully crashed two classes (phew, thank God) and as of Monday I applied for graduation. Things haven't really hit me yet that this semester is indeed my LAST semester as an undergraduate here at SDSU. I sorta felt an initial wave of realization once the semester was underway, it's similar to the feeling of your senior year in high school: you get really excited really quickly even though the intense feelings of pending graduation appear around mid March. Well, last semester was different. For one, college semesters are like an entire school year jammed into however many weeks, and for two I'm officially legit given my units completed. Needless to say you get real stoked real fast in the spring. I'm already counting down the days...

I also established some credit without any evil plastic and applied for a loan. I bought myself a used car, my mom as the cosigner, and now I'm driving reliably with my previous car already sold to family. Again, insert big thanks to the Lord. Who knows how much time would pass before a sale.

I guess that's about all there is to update for now, I've seemed to run out of things to type. Thanks for following my posts and I'll be sure to update much more frequently!

<3

An Update, No Big Deal

2009-12-18T15:43:00.000-08:00

I've officially made the halfway mark for my senior year of college. No big deal.

Christmas is also one week away and I have yet to start gift shopping. No big deal.

I have this unrequited crush on someone that hardly knows I exist and yet common sense fails to shake him off my mind. No big deal.

I'm applying to graduate school purely out of faith and will soon be flying up to SF in order to potentially network at SFSU. No big deal.

There are 18 units lined up on my class wish list for next semester. No big deal.

I could write more about my life, but really it's no big deal.

Graduate School

2009-11-09T21:37:00.000-08:00

I'm in the process of applying and man oh man is this super exciting/scary in a good way! It's ironic to think how I loathed any schooling past a bachelor's, but now the tables have turned and I absolutely must get a master's degree. It's just the way things are nowadays what with the economic downturn, and the greater demand for higher credibility within the workforce. That's okay by me though. If this means I'll get into a position with a slightly better pay scale, and the skill/knowledge is accounted for, then what do I have to complain about?

My sights are set on SFSU. That city has always been a home away from home. My roots go deep especially with family and technically it's my original birthplace. Plus who could deny the art scene in that city?! It's by far worlds apart and completely better than what's here in San Diego. Don't get me wrong, I love my one true and only SD, but grad school is pulling me elsewhere. We shall see how things unfold I suppose!

Smiles

2009-11-01T06:57:00.000-08:00

There are no coincidences in the Kingdom of God!

Oh and in regards to my prior post, I'm on a confidence high and I don't want to come down...

:D

Inward Thoughts

2009-10-04T21:50:00.001-07:00

A girl like me shouldn't have issues with self-confidence, right? I mean you would think who I am should be enough motivation to say hello to some guy, right? Ha, well truth be told I'm the biggest chicken doing her chicken dance since KFC launched its business. I don't know why, but every time I see this particular crush of mine, it's like my brain malfunctions because its gears are frozen. Every time I walk past him my eyes want to keep staring eventually shifting focus so that I don't regretfully collide into an immovable object, or worse, another person. A lot of the time, I feel like Tula from My Big Fat Greek Wedding. But she and I have nothing in common! Except for one thing, I can't even freaking say hello to some gorgeous guy. But why should a girl like me lack confidence? I mean shouldn't the guy freeze in his tracks once a gorgeous girl comes his way? Perhaps, but with this day and age the pendulum of the guy-girl dynamic is slightly different and most guys aren't completely obvious half the time. In summary, I'm beautiful, funny, witty, intelligent, mature, and a whole sleuth of other qualities, so then why must I fall victim to my own insecurities!?

It's time I knock out these silly, impractical fears and just put myself out there! Both guys and girls alike appreciate confidence so there's no excuse for me to neglect it! I am determined to be the genuine woman that I am and hopefully my next blog post will be a success story!

*Please note, don't take me for someone who's ultra vain. Cause in reality I'm not. There's a fine line between vanity and self-confidence!

Me Time

2009-10-02T07:59:00.000-07:00

You know that proverbial "me" time? Yeah well I could definitely use some of it, I've always been one on to go and have invested into others and their time, but hardly anything at all for me.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm no narcissist nor do I think spending time with others on the reg isn't a good thing, hello! This girl is ridiculously social! It's just we often lose ourselves amidst this crazy whirlwind of a schedule and fail to realize where was the time simply for myself? All I know is I'm gonna need it especially this last year of school. Jesus always had alone time, it's time I followed suit.

Lolz

2009-09-18T11:39:00.000-07:00

God keeps me smiling, even when things don't turn out my way... which is like always, HA!

He's got the plans and He's got the keys for every path and doorway of my life, I just need to start resting and stop stressing :]

Heads Up

2009-09-07T14:35:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm starting to neglect my blog more and more. Sorry to all of you faithful readers out there, this girl just doesn't wanna keep it up I guess. Maybe maintaining a livejournal doesn't help either? Anyway, school has already begun to take its toll on me, academically and financially. 17 units this semester is gonna be killer. *Insert desperate prayer here*

I can tell it'll be a weird feeling what with these madated furloughs and fee increases, did I mention this is my senior year? Yeah...

Despite all of this I'm trying to stay faithful and man oh man I've been blessed lately. CA's umemployment rate is nearly 12% and here I am with not one (which is precious enough) but TWO jobs! I have no room to complain.

Let's see here, pondering pondering... I've also met a guy and I think he's mega legit. He's almost too good to be true. We'll see, we'll see ;]

Convicted

2009-08-26T06:19:00.000-07:00

God has been bustin' me up about cliques and social divisions between Christian groups. It shouldn't be this way and I pray things would change. Also, waiting on the Lord = one tough move. Developing patience is so hard, but it will come to me.

On a completely different note, I start school Monday. It's hard to believe I'm already doing my thang as a senior! Sheesh, these two semesters are going to fly by that's for sure.

Boyfriend

2009-08-10T07:31:00.000-07:00

Where are you? Come out, come out wherever you are...

Summer

2009-07-28T22:59:00.000-07:00

I love you.

Another month worth savoring has come and gone. Let's do it one last time before school gets us in and over our heads.

80's Movies

2009-07-27T11:58:00.000-07:00

High school movies nowadays aren't what the used to be. The 80's had it going on.

Don't believe me?
http://www.amazon.com/Best-80s-High-School-Classics/lm/1YODKJUW1CN0T

Yeah, there's lists of them!
Sorry but High School Musical 1-3 can shut it!

Yep

2009-07-26T13:55:00.000-07:00

I've made mistakes, too many to identify in fact. I'd say I'm pretty good a royally face-planting. We all are, let's face it.

All that matters is running toward the One who says, "Don't look back." Life's much sweeter when you've got a Healer.

In other news, someone hold me accountable. Please. With all girly giggles aside, I think about guys on overdrive. Especially if he just so happens to be my latest crush. It's one thing to have that burning desire on your heart, it's another thing if said desire becomes an interference.

Ugh. :-/

Loneliness

2009-07-19T17:10:00.000-07:00

Ever have that feeling where you're in a room surrounded by friends, yet you're still all by your lonesome? I'm not lonely in the sense of zero companionship, but singleness lonely. I've had a heavy heart about this for the past 2+ years. Call me impatient, whatever, but I know it's much more than patience.

I just want a date. Not even a boyfriend quite yet, just a date.

I guess I'm just tired of being happy for other couples. You can only take so much of it.

Sorry Beyonce, your Single Ladies song doesn't do it for me.

Trouble

2009-07-06T13:31:00.000-07:00

There comes a time when you start to lose yourself in the midst of apathy. If left unacknowledged, it just may end up as your own spiritual demise. I've already fallen into said apathy several times and it scares me. Ignoring conviction is by far one of the most RETARDED things a disciple of Christ can do. Look at the other people who claim to love Jesus yet they hold moral reserve with zero regard! It's sad more than anything.

Call me out and say I'm judging someone, but I know what I see. I've lived it myself and the reality behind everything causes me to cringe, especially in the lives of those who simply stopped caring.

Redhead

2009-06-21T22:50:00.000-07:00

I think I might legitimately be a redhead next hair appointment. No, not your typical ginger hair color or not even fire engine red, but more like an auburn or a deep mahogany. I could rock it. I was quasi-redhead last fall but now it's time I get more ballsy and go for the big move!

Neglect

2009-06-18T10:59:00.000-07:00

Sorry blog, I seem to be neglecting you more and more. Honestly, whenever I feel inclined to write something, nothing flows naturally onto the keyboard. But of course, whenever I'm nowhere near a computer, I have all the right words to say. Oh irony. Whatevs, blogging does present its therapy.

I don't know if anyone really reads my posts anymore. Eff it.

This past month of my life has been mega bittersweet and surreal. I've fallen into some very dark places, both willingly and involuntarily. My faith in Christ is constantly strengthened by these moments. He has sprinkled me with His blood, God is faithful to forgive. I've also realized during this time that I'm obsessed with men. Like really, it's potentially a problem. If it's no one in particular that's occupying brain waves, it's the concept of a boyfriend, or a husband. I know there are men out there who are just as obsessed with women as I am with men. It's kinda crazy how much time we spend thinking about someone.

I can literally feel the internal war waged between flesh and spirit. It is a very real, very creepy feeling. Moments of apathy coupled with moral reserve and conviction collide head on. You are definitely torn apart. My flesh rebels lusting after some shallow, destructive desire while my spirit clings on to that lingering conviction of holiness. I thank the Lord for His Holy Spirit, without Him I'd certainly perish with emptiness in the wake of sin.

I've repented again, and again. Just call me the prodigal daughter. And while I know God has forgotten all of my past failures, I must remember their purpose and placement in His perfect will for me. Who would have thought that our deepest, most heart-wrenching injuries bring about beauty as they serve us as constant reminders to keep pressing forward with fortification.

I love you Jesus.

Summer 2009 Music Jam

2009-06-03T15:54:00.000-07:00

Blink 182 9/16/09, San Diego.

My tickets may be lawn seats, but with the good company of a 4 person rager we shall make the most of it!

Incubus 7/9
Coldplay 7/16
Warped Tour 8/22

Stoked.

Relentless

2009-05-31T14:09:00.000-07:00

I'M DETERMINED TO SEE BLINK 182 THIS SUMMER, SO HELP ME GOD!

Senior

2009-05-22T06:40:00.000-07:00

It's official. Get back to me in a few months and ask if I find this real/surreal.

Two feelings, one moment.

Life's Updates

2009-05-14T13:11:00.000-07:00

Since my latest post...

I am now officially 21.
I've made a number of friends while supporting the local SD music scene.
God has recaptured my heart with His nurturing love.
I'm ready to tackle my senior year.
And STAR TREK WAS SO EPIC!

I update. I blog. You read about it.

Just when I thought...

2009-05-06T21:30:00.001-07:00

...I'd have to stay up into the wee hours of the morning, I managed to finish my paper in a timely manner. This non all-nighter trend is ultra glorious. God is good, in every sense of the word. I couldn't imagine partaking in the stress like so many basketcase students out there, no thanks.

Let's see here...
I'm officially hooked on Twitter (a lil late, but whatev).
My 21st birthday is in two and a half hours? Say what?!
This semester is almost over! Epic win!

<3

Ha

2009-05-04T07:49:00.000-07:00

Oh geez, 18 year olds. The ones from a band are especially appealing.

San Diego pop punk, and I'm so guida.

Ink

2009-04-29T15:43:00.000-07:00

A purple mark reminding me of the new creation that I am.

2 Cor. 5:17

Draw Me In

2009-04-27T10:38:00.001-07:00

New season, new chapter, new life.

Don't look back in anger. Just press on forward to the upward calling of Christ.

Love

2009-04-15T19:45:00.000-07:00

"The power of love transforms the lover into an image of the Beloved."

-St. Bonaventure

Upcoming

2009-04-14T17:53:00.000-07:00

I've got a lot of craziness going on within these next few weeks. School work aka writing my life away to the hands of school professors is getting ridiculous. Yet in the midst of all this I can't help but smile with a Death Cab concert and my birthday on the way. A girl's gotta keep her cool... and these things will help!

Reader's Poll

2009-04-13T10:07:00.000-07:00

Who's tired of the fake Christians?

Yeah, me too. I guess I missed the memo that says more mask, less face.

Liberation

2009-04-10T06:58:00.000-07:00

So often I've taken Christ's freedom for granted. My soul has been liberated, but why do I let the fleshy downfalls confine me? Let it be known that I am still human.

People

2009-04-07T17:34:00.000-07:00

I love them. Especially when God unexpectedly plows over you with kindness.

Story time: So I checked out a library book from school today. On the trolley ride home I started to doze off and fell asleep. To my dismay the end of the line came sooner than I realized and by the time I woke up I nearly went for another ride in the opposite direction. In a mad dash off the trolley I forgot my library book! Of course I didn't realize this until I arrived home and so began the sighs. I called MTS about the lost and found and they said to call back tomorrow after 12 pm. My next phone call was with the SDSU circulation desk. I asked about how much it would cost to pay for a lost book and they said roughly $56 depending on the book. The glimmer of hope started to fade with each passing thought of my lost library book. After a short time at home I received a call. My mom hands me the phone and as I respond with a perplexed "Hello?" a young man's voice greeted himself as Shane. This gentleman was a fellow student at school and upon boarding the trolley, HE RECOVERED MY LOST LIBRARY BOOK! He returned it to the circulation desk and explained how he found it and saw my name on the receipt inside. I'm also guessing he got my number from the circulation desk too. Needless to say sighs of sorrow have turned into sighs of relief!

At any rate, I am so surprised by people's kindness. It makes you grateful/thankful.

School Pride

2009-04-06T06:34:00.000-07:00

Despite the covetous feeling I get every time I step foot onto the UCSD campus, nothing says school pride like being an Aztec. You can keep your extra thousands whilst I save and receive the same education.

Idk

2009-04-03T10:47:00.000-07:00

Some Christians are very uninviting. It's one thing if you're shy, or you're not a huge people person, but completely cutting someone out is straight up rude. I look around and see some of these people and it saddens me. I've felt their unwelcoming vibes. I've seen their elitist ways and it's ugly, it's all ugly.

How are we supposed to reach out beyond the church walls if we can't even embrace one another as one holy body?

Idk.

Lebowski Fest 2009

2009-04-01T10:32:00.000-07:00

It's in LA this year, May 7th-8th. Guess who's going and guess who turns 21 just in time to celebrate?

ME.

Twilight

2009-03-28T19:17:00.000-07:00

I can't tolerate everything, this is no exception. So many girls are baffled as to why I strongly dislike this series. Let me break it down for you:

1. I'm completely turned off by its fanbase. You can't judge a book by it's fans? WRONG.
2. Vampire love affairs? So unoriginal.
3. The overall hype is exhausting.
4. The ongoing conversations are dull, more substance please.
5. Swooning over a fictitious story will NOT get you a man. If you already have one, put the book down and spend time with him!

I could go on, but case in point...

Disagree with me, fine. I will not be swayed.

Slumdog Millionaire

2009-03-22T21:57:00.000-07:00

Now I understand why this film won myriad of Oscars. The cinematography was brilliant and there was nothing romanticized about India, which is why I want to go someday.

If you haven't seen it yet, fix that. Select theaters are still showing!

Life

2009-03-20T12:54:00.000-07:00

I'm madly in love with the way God works. One moment you're down-trodden and in the same breath you begin to consume immense joy.

All things are new with each passing day.

Q&A

2009-03-18T07:22:00.000-07:00

How do you approach a situation that almost seems daunting? How does a wound heal with the dressings undone? And how do you effectively convey your purest feelings the second time around? These are questions worth answering and I'm afraid the outcome is not what I had wanted. It's time I tucked my heart back where it belongs... off my sleeve.

Closure is not a crutch, it's a way to finally put things to rest.

Awkward

2009-03-10T00:57:00.001-07:00

Wearing my retainer for the first time in months is always weird.

I should do this less often.

The Point of No Return

2009-03-08T15:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes humor has a way of unfolding. If the momentum builds fast enough, just keep your mouth shut and watch.

I nearly piddled last night at the sight of my friend's reaction to an unfortunate event.

Tangent:
Dear men with over sized egos,

Throwing punches was never sexy in the mosh pit. Doing your own thing is cool, but really...stop being so violently selfish. This isn't the UFC.

The Secret's Out

2009-03-02T06:59:00.000-08:00

I've always wanted to work at a laundry mat. Yes that's correct. Fluff n' fold, insert quarters, detergent dispensers, laundry mat. Now, before you start judging me please know I'm within reason. I'm sure it's easy employment because the job works for you. Meeting someone new is a given, plus who doesn't like to people watch? There are some interesting characters who need to wash their towels. All I'm saying is I wouldn't mind. Laundromats for the win.

Disagree with me, call me awkward, whatever.

A Source of Admiration

2009-03-01T17:25:00.000-08:00

Lt. William G. "Jerry" Boykin endured a lot of media slander for his beliefs some time ago. He also spoke uncompromisingly about our Lord Jesus on international news coverage.

You might have heard about his controversy. You also might have your own opinions. Think what you will, but it's not everyday that you hear a testimony like his. Needless to say, God touched my heart this morning through Jerry's incredible journey.

I think I'm gonna start reading his story. Check it out.

A One-Way Ticket

2009-02-25T23:31:00.000-08:00

Trying to park at/near SDSU without a permit is like asking Heath Ledger to personally accept his Oscar.

IT JUST WON'T HAPPEN!

P.S. Watching Youtube has become my comic relief.

Note to Self:

2009-02-23T18:58:00.000-08:00

Stop lying to people whenever one asks how you're doing. Fine, good, okay, alright, etc. are perhaps the poorest descriptors. If you're at an all time low then say so. They asked, you answered.

Sincerely,
Brittany

Age

2009-02-22T20:16:00.000-08:00

It really chaps my hide whenever someone thinks you have to be socially validated at a certain age. This is most rampant with the drinking crowd of the 21+ bracket. Belittling someone based on the year of their birth is hypocritical to your so-called cause for maturity.

But that's fine. At the end of the day you still look like an idiot while the younger ones maintain refinement.

At a Glance

2009-02-16T12:04:00.000-08:00

Starting next semester, I will OWN my senior year. It's gonna rule so unbelievably hard. I only need six classes to graduate, which I originally thought to be eight.

What up to smooth sailing? Ha.

Remember Whens

2009-02-15T19:59:00.000-08:00

Hey, remember when these were coveted on the playground?

Or what about these guys?

Betty Crocker has failed the youth of future generations!

The Innermost Struggles

2009-02-12T23:10:00.000-08:00

Good God I can be so judgemental sometimes. It's really sickening. I'm not ashamed, just more so convicted and while this stems from my natural inclinations there's no justifying said act. Usually it happens silently to myself via thoughts or some other mental faculties. I tend to be most critical of women, ultimately with myself.

Every day just goes to show the internalized spiritual warfare we endure. Deny thy flesh.

90's Alternative

2009-02-08T17:21:00.000-08:00

It's a cure-all, literally. A genre that encompasses any emotion, circumstance, etc. and I love it. My decade of growth + my childhood years = my fondest music memories.

On a completely different note: God is so good, I'd be a fool to think otherwise.

Two Things

2009-01-31T13:01:00.000-08:00

One, I need to get going on this work out regimen. This girl could easily lose fifteen pounds, maybe more. I know there's more to love and it's a little extra baggage, but call it what you will. Diet and exercise please.

Two, sarcasm is sexy.

Edit

2009-01-23T16:23:00.001-08:00

Thanks, but no thanks Greenpeace.

The Story Continues

2009-01-21T08:06:00.000-08:00

New chapter, new life. I'm anxious for school to start, but it's a good anticipation. My 3 year-long job search is currently underway. 4 years at a part-time job, go me. My remedy?

An AK 47 and the living's easy.

I mean, realistically speaking I applied at Greenpeace. The application hotline was so informal that I had to remember this was entirely nonprofit. I left my name, number, and a brief statement as to why I'm a worthy hire. Insert bragging rights here. To be completely honest, I had no genuine intention for applying, but now I see it as a growing interest.

And the page turns. . .

SF

2009-01-15T21:44:00.000-08:00

I love it here. It's pretty easy to envision myself living in this city. San Francisco trumps any museum in San Diego. Oh yeah, and the family factor would keep me too.

My New Year's

2009-01-01T06:46:00.000-08:00

Note to self:

Request future New Year's days, OFF.

I didn't even rage last night, instead I retired early like most adults do realizing the following morning means work. Oh well. I don't really have a New Year's resolution, so I won't waste my time writing about it. I've always thought they were a bundle of crap anyway. Why settle for a resolution when you can have a God who gives new life everyday? I'm ready for this.

Happy New Year's.

Binge

2008-12-29T07:43:00.000-08:00

I was thinking the other day about my so-called needs, like I must have coffee in the morning, or I must check my Facebook. Then I started expanding this thought. America is a binge nation on every level.

Money (insert deficit here)
Food (refer to Fast Food Nation)
Alcohol (Alcoholics Anonymous, Mothers Against Drunk Driving...the list goes on)
Drugs (prescribed and illegal)
Sex/Sexuality (a multi-billion dollar industry based on whoring oneself, potentially contracting venereal disease, addictions among the masses, a distorted human image, and an excuse for Paris Hilton to increase her fan base aka pornography)
Energy (hello global warming, goodbye natural resources)
Relationships (obviously not everyone falls into this category, but you know who you are; dating is so overrated)

Case in point made.

Win

2008-12-24T07:25:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was unreal. I literally started and finished all of my Christmas shopping. In and out, no complications, minus the derelict drivers. I had my worries, but they were swiftly silenced.

Merry Christmas.

Art 573a > Anth 402

2008-12-17T23:30:00.001-08:00

I'm currently weighing my priorities*, they are:

Studying more art history than anthropology (cool vs. not cool).
Gaining some shuteye before 3 am (spontaneous combustion otherwise).
Convincing myself that men are the base-level gender regarding relational pursuits (duh).

P.S. It literally rained all day today, it was rad.

*Prioritizing has its humor.

Academic Slavery

2008-12-10T22:14:00.000-08:00

Emancipation proclamation anyone? Sleep deprivation is so overrated.

Phariseeism

2008-12-06T07:50:00.000-08:00

According to dictionary.com

1. Rigid observance of external forms of religion or conduct without genuine piety; hypocrisy.
2. Hypocritical observance of the letter of religious or moral law without regard for the spirit; sanctimoniousness.

"We couldn't be more sure of ourselves in this—that you, written by Christ himself for God, are our letter of recommendation. We wouldn't think of writing this kind of letter about ourselves. Only God can write such a letter. His letter authorizes us to help carry out this new plan of action. The plan wasn't written out with ink on paper, with pages and pages of legal footnotes, killing your spirit. It's written with Spirit on spirit, his life on our lives!"

2 Corinthians 3:4-6
The Message

Religiosity kills.

Frustration

2008-12-05T00:28:00.000-08:00

I'm so sick and tired of these lovey-dovey couples. I'm assaulted by it from friends and strangers alike. Said exposure even occurred in my art history class today. Do I care about thematic scenes of love in Rococo art? Not by a long shot.

All I can say is don't neglect your other relationships. Learn a thing or two from common courtesy and return phone calls.

Call me Scrooge, but there's something about winter holidays/singleness that's unsettling.

Cheers.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T10:40:00.000-08:00

Jesus my Lord and Savior, oxygen, family, friends, and recently Steven Patrick Morrissey....

The things I'm thankful for.

P.S. This is NOT an exhaustive list.

Female Thoughts

2008-11-24T12:26:00.002-08:00

Dear left-wing feminism,

I am a Christian woman whose biblical values greatly contrast with yours. My worth as a woman comes from Jesus Christ. I cherish men and their God-given duties to fulfill. I deeply desire a husband and embrace marriage. I can have an established career in addition to this. Contrary to popular belief, this does not render me incapable or helpless. I revere the sanctity of sex as solely between a husband and wife. Sexual liberation will not grant me power or beauty. I hope to become a mother with a nurturing father. Abortion is murder, period. Children are blessings, not a biological damper.

Femininity and the essence of women does not equal feminism and its socio-political agenda.

I pray that your hearts understand.

Sincerely,
Brittany

Life

2008-11-21T11:53:00.000-08:00

It's good. Thank Jesus for living it abundantly.

I have every reason to be smiling right now. You do too.

Workload

2008-11-19T13:27:00.000-08:00

I am perpetually writing my life away. Okay, more like this portion of the semester. My last day of school is going to entail complete liberation. You just might witness a crazed girl engaged in a mobile dance party around campus. Maybe.

I'm gonna make it happen.

Sunrise

2008-11-17T06:33:00.000-08:00

I get to partake in the magic at work of all places. You are jealous.

Religion

2008-11-15T19:12:00.000-08:00

I'm religious and spiritual.

I attend church every Sunday. I try to keep my language clean free from cussing. I wear a cross around my neck. These are but a few things that would define me as religious.

Spirituality is different. Standing firm in the faith, leading my life as a living sacrifice, and my relationship with Jesus is not religion.

But I'm human, bound by this fleshy substance and so are you. The desire to appear religious is natural, yet the desire to experience authentic faith is supernatural.

Naps

2008-11-15T15:28:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I look forward to naps more than I do a good night's sleep. God needed rest after His creation and I'd like to think that naps were an afterthought. I plan on doing this quite frequently with my husband. Napping will go hand-in-hand with snuggling. It's a great thing.

With that said...on to my nap.

Let Go

2008-11-13T23:21:00.000-08:00

Tonight was an exceptional night. It was an instance when God's divine orchestration takes place. And I wonder why things could be any different. Why would anyone want to work unnecessarily hard? A taste of utter control relinquished, and boy it's sure liberating to say the least!

Now if I could just work on this tomorrow, and the next day, and the next...

Inspiration

2008-11-10T08:09:00.001-08:00

I heard of a young man from my church who boldly spoke about God in a bar. He never would have guessed that an adulterous former pastor along with his mistress would be present.

Immediately following my 21st birthday, I see myself preaching the Gospel in bars. Believe it. It's a privilege to legally enter these settings and people have the right to know Jesus. You might deem this inappropriate, but you are highly mistaken.

"I am not ashamed of the Gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile."

Romans 1:16

Less than six months to go and counting...

P.S.

2008-11-05T20:37:00.000-08:00

Christianity does NOT equal bigotry. I'm mega frustrated with this disgusting cop-out.

Apparently my personal values/beliefs are oppressive and discriminatory. Apparently we have forgotten the concept of "agree to disagree." Apparently the United States of America says freedom of religion can eat shit. Apparently the conservative viewpoint is no longer an actual viewpoint. Apparently I've lost all validity due to my lack of trendy liberalism. Apparently my knowledge of the Bible is inferior to the non-Christian population at large.

And the list goes on...

Ignorance never dispelled ignorance.

Moving Forward

2008-11-05T13:41:00.000-08:00

So this is what history feels like? Today marks the text books to come and God reigns victorious.

I have a new president. I have a new subject of prayer.

All Talk, No Walk

2008-10-29T18:09:00.001-07:00

I'm not very good at this girl-approaching-guy thing. It was so much easier in high school, now I feel it's ridiculously foreign. Ugh. I never would have guessed that something so simple could radiate difficulty. Oh well, it is what it is when the time comes.

My friend keeps joking about entering a nunnery due to her alleged guy failures.
That's just preposterous.

Anyways, Halloween is gonna be rad this year.

Remember Whens

2008-10-24T12:33:00.000-07:00

Hey, remember when Christians actually studied their Bible? Yeah, me too.

A concept I try to grasp with each passing day.

Health

2008-10-19T13:41:00.000-07:00

Apparently it's overrated, cause everyone and their mom is sick. Half of my sorority is this way not to mention the disease-ridden school I attend. Sinus headaches suck so hard. I think I'm gonna take a nap and quickly end this entry, now.

2008-10-14T20:30:00.000-07:00

God is love and love is real. We're in a critical time right now and yet I'm looking forward to embracing it. America, you are a hypocritcal nation.

Puzzling

2008-10-10T01:51:00.000-07:00

How difficult should it be to meet someone, really? I find this rather puzzling. I suppose the "knowing of" can only last for so long.

Soothing

2008-10-05T22:42:00.000-07:00

God's relief is like a soothing aroma. When the stress and things that bog us down are removed, breathing comes easy.